


Lead Balloons

by sittingonyourfloor



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Assisted Suicide, Comfort/Angst, Death, Dissection, F/F, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2015-11-06
Packaged: 2018-04-30 05:45:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5152526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sittingonyourfloor/pseuds/sittingonyourfloor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Delphine tries to bring Cosima out of her dark place after dissecting Jennifer's body.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lead Balloons

**Author's Note:**

> So somehow this morphed from song fic drabbles about all the living clones using "Wait For It" from Hamilton: An American Musical to just Cosima's portion (inspired by the lyrics "Death doesn't discriminate") to just one surviving concept which is that Cosima wants to x-out her own photo on her paper chart (from Season 1). Anyways, enjoy the bedtime story :)

Jennifer’s intestines were her intestines too. She had been holding her own organs in her own hands, which were also Jennifer’s hands. Jennifer was dead, and yet Cosima could not help but see Sarah and Alison and herself dead in that moment when she first saw Jennifer. 

It was real too. It could be any of them next. Their intestines could be next to be in the hands of someone else. 

“Cosima?” a gentle French voice floated into her thoughts and Cosima blinked, Felix’s apartment coming back into focus. The smell of green tea and Delphine’s perfume intermingled in her nose and she took the mug she had been presented and slid over so Delphine could sit too. 

“You were very far away,” Delphine said, putting her own mug down on the coffee table, “Are you feeling well?”

Cosima blinked in that hard, eye-scrunching way, and said, “Mm, yeah. I’m fine.” Her voice was scratchy and she realized she had a lump in her throat and her eyes were stinging. She blinked again, trying to clear them up, and swallowed the lump.

Obviously Delphine had a better lie detector by now, and she placed her hand on Cosima’s and used her other hand to gently guide Cosima to face her. 

“What is it?”

Cosima looked away and up for a second, taking a deep breath before coming to face her girlfriend again. 

“Delphine, I—” she paused, gathering her words, “Please don’t let me die like that.” Her eyes began to sting again as well as the feeling of lead in her stomach that had been making quiet appearances since she got off the bus here and saw ruby in her hand. 

It was happening. It was real. It wouldn’t be anyone to die next: it would be her. They were grasping at straws and those straws were falling apart like the first Little Pig’s house instead of standing up to the lungs of the Big Bad Wolf and solving the issue. 

Delphine’s voice shook when she answered. “Listen to me,” she said. She was holding Cosima’s face gently, but the intensity radiating from her palms was almost scary. “You are not going to die.”

“I can feel it, Delphine,” she said, pushing the finality in her voice past the fractured, scared tone, “I’m coughing out my life. Jennifer is dead and Katja would have been and—and we’re no closer to finding a cure or anything close to help. Please, I am asking you as your girlfriend and as a final request, do not let me get to where she was. We can’t hide from it anymore, we have to be realistic.”

Delphine was crying now, and Cosima was fairly certain she was biting her lip so that it wouldn’t get any more intense. 

“I don’t want to be realistic,” she said in something barely above a whisper, “Not with you. You don’t think I felt the same way as you today?”

“You weren’t holding your genetically identical organs,” Cosima pointed out sharply.

“Yes,” Delphine replied, her voice rising, “But imagine how much worse it is to hold the organs of a person genetically identical to the one you care about the most. I’m not trying to compete, Cosima, but I know at least a little of what you’re feeling right now.”

She went to respond but Delphine held up a hand. 

“No! Not yet, Cosima. You’re not allowed to be dead yet. You don’t want to get to where Jennifer is? Don’t accept it then. Don’t put a fat, red ‘X’ across your picture in that chart of yours. Don’t make last requests until they will be your last request. Don’t give up on hope of life until you know hoping for life isn’t worth it. And don’t say that it isn’t worth it because I will leave now if that’s what you think.”

Cosima reached out her hand and brushed away one of Delphine’s tears. She brought her face to Delphine’s and pressed their lips together. A spark of life seared through the lead in her stomach. Hope. 

Delphine reached her hands up to hold her girlfriend’s face again and Cosima could tell she was crying worse than before. Their tears mixed and fell between them.

“Don’t leave,” Cosima said quietly when they broke the kiss, putting a hand on Delphine’s knee.

Delphine dropped one of her hands from Cosima’s face and held the hand on her knee, thumb stroking the tender skin.

“I won’t if you won’t,” she said.

Cosima’s face melded into a trace smile. “I’m not going anywhere.”

She leaned in for a second kiss and Delphine’s arms came around her as she slid back to lie on the couch. 

“Are you going to keep me this close all night?” Cosima asked, wriggling slightly in Delphine’s vice grip.  
Delphine smiled, brushing away a last tear from Cosima’s face. “I want to feel your heartbeat,” she said, “I want to feel your life and I want you to feel mine.”

She pulled Cosima’s lips to her own again and there was silence throughout the apartment except for the breathing of two lovers melding into one form in the dim light from the streetlamps. 

Cosima felt her heartbeat meld with Delphine’s, pounding out the lead and ballooning with helium-like giddiness and the prospect of the night ahead.

More than the night: the life.


End file.
